Sunday, June 25, 2006

Living in the Smudges

I read this on someone's blog. "We live in the smudges". How apt is that. When I was little..everything was so nice and neat..Very black and white. What mom said GOES, we had to leave a note WHereever we went, who we were going with, phone numbers( This was before cell phones were even THOUGHT of)--black telephones with DIAL numbers. And She ALWAYS called to check up and see if we were where we said we would be.

Then in my teen years, with a very active Youth group, I was spared from very much teenage grief. Didn't get into drinking alcohol(First alcohol I ever drank was after my divorce when I was 25). Well..I DID go to the school dances...oh man I was ever looked down at for that. Thank god for the people that provided stuff for us at Church..we always had football game parties after the home games...they took us on College tours, Cedar Point, New York, all over.

ANYWAYS..back to the SMUDGES part...In teen years..I began to make my own choices, and the Black and white part started to smudge a little. I never did "give it up" to anyone (thank God for that..I couldn't IMAGINE telling my mom as a teen that I was knocked up). I was literally SCARED STIFF of not having sex!!
Then..in Bible College..the stuff "right and wrong" was literally shoved down my throat...I was too much of a free thinker to be a good Bible College student..at least at THAT college. While I was at a "worldly" College, CMU, I did just fine. I hooked up with some GOOD Christians, REAL ones, with different thinking patterns, and more of a real relationship with Christ then I had. They actually had DISCUSSION groups!! Go Figure! Closed minded Christians piss me off.

Then..after life events took me away from the organized church for about 10 years..I fell into a right wing nut jobs church. Some call it Spiritual abuse.
How nice for some to be able to be dictated to, not have to think between the lines...all that.
I'm really don't TRY to be a rebel...I just want to "be all I can be". My life is filled with smudges...there is very little that is black and white.
I don't really know if it is better or not. I'm certainly not feeling like I'm any closer to God because of it.
Maybe its a good thing I always have liked the color gray.

1 comment:

ness said...

I miss that simplicity too, but I'm happy to have the credibility of living in the smudges. We've compared it to swimming in the deep end of the pool, as opposed to the kiddy pool. There's alot going on around you that is uncertain, but there's also more to experience and more of your abilities as a swimmer to test.

Go Helena!