Thursday, September 12, 2013


So I have been on the bottom of the barrel emotionally. YEP there, now it's in black and white. Makes it more real.
  I quit going to Al Anon, a support group 3 times a week  I could tweak for my benefit because too many in the group were 13th steppin. (Screwing other group members). While great sex normally does not bother me, this latest fraternization was too much for me. My work schedule also impedes attendance.

All my support systems have big huge holes in them. This is one thing that happens when no medical insurance is the root cause.  My Doctor's office shuttered it's doors with a "don't call us" sign, no way to get medical records etc. Yes, it is illegal to do so but they have been caught up in the System themselves. I used to get free samples for pain/other issues.

I NEED certain medications. SYNTRHOID  for one. I had Graves disease with a tumor  (Overactive thyroid) and was treated with Radioactive Iodine and lost most of my hair decades ago. Because of that, my thyroid shifted into LOW production. Spotty decision making, depression, feeling in a fog, lack of energy are just a few delights. I have been fighting to get consistent "Doctoring" as my mom would have called it.

My kids have insurance, the spouse has it because he's been on Social Security Disability for 2 years. I won't get into what brought us there in this post, but his mental health issues are mine now to deal with every day now also.

ANYWAY, so I finally hit rock bottom and I, the one who TAKES people to "Community Mental Health"...usually Bi Polar youth who have been un-diagnosed, but it's obvious to me they need help. CMH has the budget of zilch, usually hires those who can't make it in private practice, and my experience is that it is better than nothing for the freaks and down and outers, but the chance of getting real help is slim to none. yet...this is my only option.

So..I presented myself, Clean, make up on and all to the main window for "Self Referral". You have to do this "PROCESS"'s a half hour intake to First even SEE if you will qualify  to be seen there. I held it pretty together until I was sitting in the lobby. Their rule is they will get some monkey to see you within 15 minutes. Intake window person informed me she had "emailed" the worker. 45 minutes later, Tears are seeping quietly down my face, intake person notices.  I KNOW I could make a stink, get preferential treatment, get seen, but I just don't have the fucking energy. So, I sat there like an obedient servant just waiting.    That's the thing with depression, is I lose my fight. I just CAN'T TAKE ON ONE MORE THING.

Window person comes to the door, ushers me into a private office, so the other people in waiting room aren't disturbed by my tears. She might have done it so I could cry in private. The thing  is, there is no fear, no shame no remorse, no anything when a person is like I was. I just didn't have it in me to give a shit less.
So, suddenly because I'm crying I get a CRISIS counselor to see me. She informs me that Community Mental Health has No Physicians on staff that can write prescriptions. Questions like "do you feel like  you want to harm yourself or others" that used to be amusing to me are all too real.
My emotions are pretty raw at this point.
I was then told I needed to complete some OTHER assessment that was 2 hours long, that was also 2 weeks away. REALLY? All I need is MEDS. If I am out of pain or it is lessened then maybe my coping skills can kick in. Meditation, breathing, reading, etc. I show a little more "rawness". It is suggested that I have "ANGER ISSUES". Really? What kind of crap is this! So..for my first visit...them ONE me Zero.