Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Death Becomes Me

I've been helping an acquaintance with the complicated in's and out's of getting Guardianship over a relative. The process started months ago. Relative was in a nursing home, got word of the details, and skedaddled. Such a FUNNY man! Wheeled himself to the nursing home doors at midnight surreptitiously, where his partner in escape was waiting with a car. They beat the system that time. It made me laugh.
He went home to his squalor.

So, like many his age, he was a HORDER. Coming from a time when "You never know what you may need when, and not have the money to buy it".
 LOTS of food. Why then did he only weigh 97 pounds? The food was accessible to his wheelchair. He was "Adored" by his neighbors in his apartment complex. Located near Michigan State University, students would seek him out for help in research, and for companionship. His mind-Brilliant. He did research for Attorneys, Judges and Corporations. Why did none of his neighbors step in? He was bull headed. He had several times come to the attention of Adult Protective Services.

 The first haul of food to a local food bank was about 300 pounds. A couple hundred more was thrown out. While clearing out his apartment one afternoon, two homeless people were digging through the trash I had just pitched, grabbing the underwear and searching for warm clothing. I told them I would begin leaving everything warm I could find behind the dumpster. This is my America?



I showed up on the day he passed away. His eyes lit up...he was delighted to see me. I asked if I could sing for him. I USED to sing...don't much anymore. Anyway, I started singing Christmas Carols to him...he started crying. When I say Crying...I mean the lone tear that sneaked down his cheek. He passed away that night. RIP my new, old friend. 




YES...THIS WAS IN AMERICA. 


Obituary

Dec. 8, 2013
more at: 

Rape , She said no.

This was several months ago...
I was on my way to a party at an Apple Orchard Sunday when I got a call.  She was crying, and I couldn't really understand her. Thank God for caller ID so I knew who it was. She's one of my "shirt tail" kids that have been in and out of my house, dated one of my son's for a while, and remained friendly with all of us, and we all adore her.

"Just Breathe Honey and then blurt it out all at once", I said.

Deep sobbing breath--"I've been raped, I'm at the hospital and I would like for you to come".

So...I was between Shepherd and Alma, about 15 miles away, I turned around and headed for the hospital.

God forgive me, but one of my first thoughts was, "Thank you God it's not one of my bio daughters".
She had been at a party she didn't want to be at with a male friend, met a lot of other people that gave her the creeps. She went to put her purse in the car and lock it as she didn't feel comfortable setting it down anywhere. A 24 year old followed her out and raped her in the car. He apologized afterwards saying he was drunk. He has a 4 year old so initially she thought, well, maybe she wouldn't report it. She knew he had a prior felony because he had talked about it at the bonfire they were at.

She had a friend there, after I was with her for quite a while..she decided she did NOT want to tell her family. I feel bad about it..but part of "MY" program..is letting others free to do what they want and not make them do what I think should be done.

I have had contact with her since....she still hasn't told her family. This is heartbreaking to me, I would feel so sad if one of my kids felt they couldn't tell me something.
Should I ask her if she's gotten counseling? I don't know.

New Year New Attitude

Thank the Universal Mind, God, The Universe whatever for Good Medication. I am in a much better spot. I have been on and off counseling since my last post. I have gotten very regular with my Thyroid Medication. I have bee meditating on a daily basis Using various YOU TUBE videos.
This one has been very helpful in releasing a lot of pain issues.

That's it for now, More later.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Counseling

So I have been on the bottom of the barrel emotionally. YEP there, now it's in black and white. Makes it more real.
  I quit going to Al Anon, a support group 3 times a week  I could tweak for my benefit because too many in the group were 13th steppin. (Screwing other group members). While great sex normally does not bother me, this latest fraternization was too much for me. My work schedule also impedes attendance.

All my support systems have big huge holes in them. This is one thing that happens when no medical insurance is the root cause.  My Doctor's office shuttered it's doors with a "don't call us" sign, no way to get medical records etc. Yes, it is illegal to do so but they have been caught up in the System themselves. I used to get free samples for pain/other issues.

I NEED certain medications. SYNTRHOID  for one. I had Graves disease with a tumor  (Overactive thyroid) and was treated with Radioactive Iodine and lost most of my hair decades ago. Because of that, my thyroid shifted into LOW production. Spotty decision making, depression, feeling in a fog, lack of energy are just a few delights. I have been fighting to get consistent "Doctoring" as my mom would have called it.

My kids have insurance, the spouse has it because he's been on Social Security Disability for 2 years. I won't get into what brought us there in this post, but his mental health issues are mine now to deal with every day now also.

ANYWAY, so I finally hit rock bottom and I, the one who TAKES people to "Community Mental Health"...usually Bi Polar youth who have been un-diagnosed, but it's obvious to me they need help. CMH has the budget of zilch, usually hires those who can't make it in private practice, and my experience is that it is better than nothing for the freaks and down and outers, but the chance of getting real help is slim to none. yet...this is my only option.

So..I presented myself, Clean, make up on and all to the main window for "Self Referral". You have to do this "PROCESS"...it's a half hour intake to First even SEE if you will qualify  to be seen there. I held it pretty together until I was sitting in the lobby. Their rule is they will get some monkey to see you within 15 minutes. Intake window person informed me she had "emailed" the worker. 45 minutes later, Tears are seeping quietly down my face, intake person notices.  I KNOW I could make a stink, get preferential treatment, get seen, but I just don't have the fucking energy. So, I sat there like an obedient servant just waiting.    That's the thing with depression, is I lose my fight. I just CAN'T TAKE ON ONE MORE THING.

Window person comes to the door, ushers me into a private office, so the other people in waiting room aren't disturbed by my tears. She might have done it so I could cry in private. The thing  is, there is no fear, no shame no remorse, no anything when a person is like I was. I just didn't have it in me to give a shit less.
So, suddenly because I'm crying I get a CRISIS counselor to see me. She informs me that Community Mental Health has No Physicians on staff that can write prescriptions. Questions like "do you feel like  you want to harm yourself or others" that used to be amusing to me are all too real.
My emotions are pretty raw at this point.
I was then told I needed to complete some OTHER assessment that was 2 hours long, that was also 2 weeks away. REALLY? All I need is MEDS. If I am out of pain or it is lessened then maybe my coping skills can kick in. Meditation, breathing, reading, etc. I show a little more "rawness". It is suggested that I have "ANGER ISSUES". Really? What kind of crap is this! So..for my first visit...them ONE me Zero.
So...

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Another spiritual abuse


"In order for spiritual abuse to gain a foothold, there has to be a method of developing fear within individuals. There can be no spiritual abuse without fear."
Once, with a Pastor of a "Bible believing, KJV only 1611, Pre-Mellinial"...well you get the picture, I challenged what he "TOLD" me. He then wrote a "rebuttal" full of scripture ordering me to read it...which I did, it really was the beginning of the end for me. I thanked him for it..he says, "WELL???"...I said, It was (somewhat Juvenile in writing) well written. That Just wasn't enough. I continued to say I didn't agree with him. He was beyond affronted. The question was..I said someone had told me (and I was encouraged) that "they were praying EVERY day, that if God were real, "HE" would "reveal himself". This Pulpit slammer was aghast
because "the ONLY FIRST prayer God hears is, "God be merciful to me a sinner", or the prayer of salvation Aka, the sinner's prayer. I said, that I believed that God HEARS all prayers, and was indeed "revealing himself" to my friend. It's been years, and this argument remains raw when I think about it. ONE problem with "these" types of Pastors, is that there is NO room for "GRACE". I'll stop for now. Thanks for the post.
December 27, 2012 5:43 PM
I posted this on http://paradigmshift-jmac.blogspot.com/2012/09/spiritual-abuse-are-you-victim-part-ii.html?showComment=1356659050271#c4728701042194972124   
There are several good spiritual abuse posts on this site. worth exploring. 

Friday, November 09, 2012

Prepping again

My perfectionist thinking will have me stop blogging if I don't keep up with it. Today I was at the  Airport watching the jet take off and Joy Linn called , having missed the bus. SO...I stopped at Merchandise outlet BUT WAIT>>>>!!!! That was AFTER my Coupon clippin, car selling, Nurseing school wizard friend APRIL got me tuned into the BUY OF THE DAY at Meijer's!! On sale//4 pack ANGEL SOFT toilet paper, printable 25 cent coupon which doubles to 50 cents, it was on sale for 75 cents sooo BOOHYAH! 4 pack for 25 cents! SO..as we don't have a lot ot toilet paper stocked up, it really doesn't count toward my "stock". BUT...did get a 12 pack of shelf stable milk for 2. 99, and two collapsible water jugs for a buck each, some rope, an ACE bandage, and a small bag of Choc chips.

Then, I made a great salad for dinner. cleaned spinich, mandarin oranges, toasted almonds in a Iron pan with the seseme seeds, and a lil cheese. YUM, no complaints from anyone, except maybe more mandarin oranges please. !



Thursday, November 01, 2012

Preppin2

Today's storage items for the pantry were a bottle of vitamins, a 30 ounce bag of chocolate chips, salsa, Raspberry chocolate squares,  and 3 bags of coffee and 2 cans of chicken in a can. Spouse suggests getting some Coke, like if we are trapped, how good cola would be after being trapped 30 days or so. I also discussed saving milk jugs, rinsing them out and storing water with a few drops of bleach in them. It might not be good enough to drink, but would be good enough to bathe or whatever.

THAT'S a SIN?

Was thinking recently how wonderful it is to have true FREE CHOICE. My world is so much bigger...there was a time when EVERYTHING was a sin...found these song lyrics...


PET SHOP BOYS LYRICS


"It's A Sin"

(Twenty seconds and counting...
T minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay)
??
When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn't believe it
Father, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin

(Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione,
verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa)
[trans. "I confess to almighty god,
and to you my brothers,
that I have sinned exceedingly
in thought, word, act and omission,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault"]

Prepping

My Mom always had a good pantry. Sometimes it was overflowing with our coats and boots along with the macaroni and home canned tomatoes.
We have been so "close" financially for years, moved several times, lost all we had, moved back to my childhood home, that "stocking up" hasn't been possible. I'm making it a priority now. I started doing this about a week ago, before the Hurricaine hit New York. We didn't even have WATER saved aside. Not one empty bottle. So...following my mentor of years' past ..the elusive "Flylady.net", I am taking "baby steps" . I call it a Prep a day, but as in most things, once you just Get Started, and lay aside the perfectionist thinking, it has been more than "1 a day".
I got 3 cans of small chicken. Its in a tuna can, but thank god it is CHICKEN. If the end days come, I don't want to have to eat tuna. I don't like Tuna Breath. Cat's have tuna breath, and they lick themselves too.
Maybe it helps that I am volunteering at a food bank. I'm inspired. I made the spouse and middle me daughter help me gut out room in the basement. When we moved in, I had high hopes for that room, but now it is a clutter fuck. However..there is a nice shelving unit, and I am also gutting out the closet underneath the basement stairs for a Pantry.
My original pantry is a closet in the kitchen. It has a door that hasn't shut in probably 30 years. My Pantry is NOT a pretty pantry with lovely glass canisters. It's a working pantry with Soups, veggies, and spaghetti stacked every which way.  I just made PRIME real estate on my counter today by moving the Food Processor OFF the counter and into the pantry. This to me is real progress.
My freezer is full. My taxes are overdue. I'm starting to plan for the future again. I don't hold out much hope yet.
I have two cases of water, not much, but better than I had 2 weeks ago, a 12 pack of shelf stable milk, a bag of dried milk, a jar of peanut butter, a bottle of Olive Oil, some band aids, deck of cards in case we are stuck in basement for a while, some gum, hard candy and Rice-A-Roni. I want to get a camp stove, old style lights in case of eventual power failure (NOT The L E D lights that take batteries), and some candles. I can't believe I don't have any candles.
Things I want to stock up on: Personal products for the girls, water, some cola, matches, candles, hand warmers, etc.
I'm in the process of making "Bug Out" bags for everyone containing essentials, socks, water, blankets etc. for the vehicles. My friend Char is great at this. "The Prudent See Danger and Prepare for it".


Friday, October 12, 2012

What about GRACE ? Grace Happens..

Robb Ryerse recently asked on his Grenzian ( thegrenzian.blogspot.com) blog..."What has Grace done for you?" 

I just started writing and thought I would share it here as I really need to start blogging again. 
 

The certainty of "black and white" beliefs within the fundamentalist arena is at times quite comforting--IF you are on the INSIDE of the arena. Step out of that circle and suddenly the cold dark winds blow, and you are left alone. I have experienced this many times in my spiritual history.
I don't mean to be a rebel as far as "BELIEF" goes...but the unfairness of it within the fundamentalist movement just makes me raw in my soul.
One of the times I felt abandoned was when I left a very fundamental Baptist Bible College, Dr Jim Vineyard's church in Oklahoma City-Windsor Hills Baptist Church and Oklahoma Baptist college. The church preached (and if you didn't follow the rules your life work of being Led by God to do anything was seriously compromised), so when it was 90 degrees outside, women wore "Hose" (nylons to anyone outside the arena)...no open toed shoes and NEVER pants (which outlined a woman's thighs so that men would be so uncontrollably filled with lust they would "ACT" on it and it would be the woman's fault for wearing pants.) I remember over 3,000 in church, and Dr. Vineyard stopping to call a woman a whore who wore pants. (I am not kidding). Maybe some reader here will understand the HUGEness of even naming names here. But..I digress...
For various and sinful reasons, I left the school, rather than be "disciplined" and censured by the school.

The students (one that "I" led to the Lord) was ordered to have NO communication with me. We had been best friends, and worked at Dairy Queen as Managers together. She was also from Michigan, single and her parents thought she went insane. I guess because of my involvement with her, she did.

What did Grace do? Grace taught me that I didn't have to be a part of a school that lessened my worth, that condoned marital physical beatings, that interfered with the primacy of the family, that threatened one's calling if you disagreed.
Grace more than anything, gave me HOPE. Hope that God was somehow above all this ridiculousness, and Hope that God had more freedom in mind for me. Hope that my personality was made by God, and could be used by God to serve in unique ways.
Yep...Grace gave me Hope.

Your thoughts?