“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
Kahlil Gibran
I Don't even know where to begin. The last few weeks have been very long. No ONE thing..just the complications of living, and the way we have to continuously Breathe, breathe Breathe.
I'm tired of having a Strong Soul. I have enough Scars. I don't need any more "Character". I've developed enough.
God Help me. Is there Joy to be had?
Two moms at parenting classes I taught on Saturday told me they were Suicidal. One had four kids, one had I think 3 or 4, with her 18 yr old niece living with her. COmplicated lives. Complicated problems. Emotional puking on a stranger. Is that what we do? Is that what Counseling is for..so we can control who we puke our emotional baggage on? I went several months ago..in the Spring, after the D.C. trip. I just wanted OUT. I was exhausted, tired of my life.
Not in "ending it all". Just bored of the tendium. Bored of having to breathe. I know that sounds awful...But..its exhausting just to live.
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Been playing this song by Jars of Clay LOUD and OFTEN lately....
"Work"
Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work
I thought of this yesterday about your quote there...
God doesn't do those painful things to you. Sinful, rotten, horrible, screwed-up people have scarred you. God heals the scars. God takes them and makes good spring from them like flowers through concrete. People and circumstances and just a sinful world won't quit scarring you, but God isn't going to let them win.
I love you honey.
Last year I felt like each breath I took was a fight...like my discouragement was SO real that it was physical...I used to tell people that I felt like I was actually drowning, and the only thing that kept me breathing was God holding me up by my hair...just my nose barely above the water. The funny thing is that the feeling of God not letting go that last little inch was what kept me from just giving up.....I clung to that last bit of air-so to speak.
I don't have much "faith" in people...that's what usually gets me discouraged the most. Lately it seems like EVERYONE has been rude, inconsiderate, ungenerous, unethical, disappointing, etc. I always think of you, Donna, because you were always so firm on the ettiquete of timeliness--just one of the things that gets me frustrated about people.
I keep asking God for grace for people...because lately I just get mad at everyone...that dumb driver who cut me off on the way to work!!! LOL
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