I am a Contradiction

I am a contradiction. I was "Baptist Born and Baptist dead and when I die be Baptist Dead", but, through the years, something in me changed, and something in the churches I was in, Changed me. Let me say that today I am writing because of two other blog posts I want to link to here. http://homeschoolblogger.com/pattycake/ which I found after reading about the Beaverton Grace Bible Church Survivors lawsuit . http://bgbcsurvivors.blogspot.com/ I have a story to tell, I am sure its going to take more than one telling, and my recollection of things might not be EXACTLY as it was, but it is MY truth. In reading Beaverton Survivors Blog, one question came up that I can answer. A reader (or their church plant person posing as a reader) wanted to know..."Why did it take over a year for you to start speaking up about the abuse". She (Julie Ann) was the piano player and involved in the church and were requested to leave. I too was "Asked to leave". One thing about these Pastors is they may not understand how much we, the sheep, take them to speak for God. I don't believe they "SPEAK FOR GOD" as in the direction of the Bible, but...we "Feel" we are supposed to be in the church we are in, feel that God has directed us there, and therefore, the Pastor has some biblical "authority" over us. The Reason it may take a while to "Come Out" and speak, is more than one--FEAR, Fear that God will be disappointed in us, fear that we might be "speaking evil of one of God's servant's" , fear of being further ostracized, and many others. It took me Months and months to just be able to BREATHE, let alone try to worship anywhere else. I must give GRATEFUL thanks to Pastor Robb Ryerse, (http://www.thegrenzian.blogspot.com/) and his Book to be released in the fall (http://www.facebook.com/ButterflyTheology). the FIRST Thing he did, as I entered his study was to reach behind him on his bookshelf and hand me the book "SPIRITUAL

ABUSE" As with other types of abuse, I felt alone, like it was MY fault, and somehow I had brought this upon myself and my children. Now, Years later, it is difficult to forgive myself for putting my children under the authority of these "Pastors". I fear now even mentioning his name or the specific church. I must say tho, that the "Pastor" I am talking about DID have the "gift of spiritual growth" ...Hee hee my sarcasm may be difficult to read here, But, He "GREW" the church from a Thriving 70+ member organization with Laughter, love and great potlucks, down to about 10, mostly family members. His own daughter was so afraid to tell him that she had gotten engage the first year she was at bible college she hid it for months and months. Ok..I think my dam has been broken..I have to try and stop the flow so I can go on with my day. One more thought..just as

Just as a Squirrel wearing a Dress is STILL a squirrel...just because a MAN (you know "women can't be preachers..Oh my )...a Man that calls himself a "pastor" may be only herding his own flock for his own reasons. That didn't come out like I wanted it too, I may have to refine that thought.