Freindship

I don't have a lot of friends. That's ok, just saying it like I feel it. I do have people I can call on. Well hell, to be truthful, I wouldn't have to call them, the calls would be made for me.

Shelly, bottom right, Me, top right, Lori Top Left

This picture is of friends. Lori and I were very close for a long time. We met in  a church "small group" that was meeting at my house at the time in St. Louis. We mentioned "beer" one night...and after that we laughed and had a blast. Something happened, her son got cancer (and lived), at a time when my youngest was diagnosed with Pneumonia (again). There was some break in the friendship, I don't know over what now, but it was renewed once  when we discussed the book "THE SECRET". This book was instrumental in changing the way that many of my "fundamental" friends "saw" the Universe, and God, and how things happen. Great phrases that only now while I'm writing I had forgotten where they came from --"You do not have to create what you want - it already exists"  "

"Your body works like a movie projector, and the film running through the projector is all of your thoughts. What thoughts are you choosing?" 

Anyways, for a while things were ok, now they moved, we moved, life happened, its one of those horrible "oh we have to get together" things, that never seems to make it to reality. It is always disappointing. 

Then..my friend Angie  (not the slightly crazed meth head Angie addicted to Vicodin and Methodone, but the OTHER Angie inserting "Faces Of Meth here, she could have been included : http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/faces-meth-horrific-transformation-fresh-faced-4705220). THAT Angie deserves a long post on only her. This is NOT her, but she was losing teeth because of drugs that when one fell out she could blithely say, "Oh, here's another one". 

This OTHER Angie, She is simply amazing. She has taught me so much about being real, and even when I told her some really freaky stuff, didn't freak out. When I think of her, I smile. How cool is that. I can't think of a time that I didn't want to be better around her. One thing is...She simply GETS me. She understands my complex relationship with God, the Universe, the Auras, My Dreams that come true, and how I can still swear and be very spiritual. 

THIS Angie, cracks me up. She is meticulous in her work, which helps me want to be. She is methodical and will keep investigating until she turns over the pebbles that are hidden under the rocks. 

We actually have a pretty long history. As any woman knows, there are defining moments in life. I can say...Hey I knew her "BEFORE" She had kids! BOOM. There it is. That is one thing. We were traveling for a fundraiser and she was "heavy with child". I caught her a couple times out of the corner of my eye, and she was sort of sickly green all around her. Nobody seemed to be noticing that this HUGELY Pregnant woman was in crisis. I don't even know if SHE got it. It was very disturbing. Well, we worked closely together for about 2 years. Then, the gig we had was up and I sort of lost her for a while. 

While delivering food to a shelter, I found her again!! I was volunteering at the food bank, picking up Panera Bread a couple times a week and taking it to various non profits. Angie was the Counselor at one of them. 

We have recently been being more faithful to our friendship, and that makes me happy. It's 5:05 in the morning, I don't think I will sleep tonight, but I"m done writing for now. I'll come back and edit later. 

Counseling

So I have been on the bottom of the barrel emotionally. YEP there, now it's in black and white. Makes it more real.
  I quit going to Al Anon, a support group 3 times a week  I could tweak for my benefit because too many in the group were 13th steppin. (Screwing other group members). While great sex normally does not bother me, this latest fraternization was too much for me. My work schedule also impedes attendance.

All my support systems have big huge holes in them. This is one thing that happens when no medical insurance is the root cause.  My Doctor's office shuttered it's doors with a "don't call us" sign, no way to get medical records etc. Yes, it is illegal to do so but they have been caught up in the System themselves. I used to get free samples for pain/other issues.

I NEED certain medications. SYNTRHOID  for one. I had Graves disease with a tumor  (Overactive thyroid) and was treated with Radioactive Iodine and lost most of my hair decades ago. Because of that, my thyroid shifted into LOW production. Spotty decision making, depression, feeling in a fog, lack of energy are just a few delights. I have been fighting to get consistent "Doctoring" as my mom would have called it.

My kids have insurance, the spouse has it because he's been on Social Security Disability for 2 years. I won't get into what brought us there in this post, but his mental health issues are mine now to deal with every day now also.

ANYWAY, so I finally hit rock bottom and I, the one who TAKES people to "Community Mental Health"...usually Bi Polar youth who have been un-diagnosed, but it's obvious to me they need help. CMH has the budget of zilch, usually hires those who can't make it in private practice, and my experience is that it is better than nothing for the freaks and down and outers, but the chance of getting real help is slim to none. yet...this is my only option.

So..I presented myself, Clean, make up on and all to the main window for "Self Referral". You have to do this "PROCESS"...it's a half hour intake to First even SEE if you will qualify  to be seen there. I held it pretty together until I was sitting in the lobby. Their rule is they will get some monkey to see you within 15 minutes. Intake window person informed me she had "emailed" the worker. 45 minutes later, Tears are seeping quietly down my face, intake person notices.  I KNOW I could make a stink, get preferential treatment, get seen, but I just don't have the fucking energy. So, I sat there like an obedient servant just waiting.    That's the thing with depression, is I lose my fight. I just CAN'T TAKE ON ONE MORE THING.

Window person comes to the door, ushers me into a private office, so the other people in waiting room aren't disturbed by my tears. She might have done it so I could cry in private. The thing  is, there is no fear, no shame no remorse, no anything when a person is like I was. I just didn't have it in me to give a shit less.
So, suddenly because I'm crying I get a CRISIS counselor to see me. She informs me that Community Mental Health has No Physicians on staff that can write prescriptions. Questions like "do you feel like  you want to harm yourself or others" that used to be amusing to me are all too real.
My emotions are pretty raw at this point.
I was then told I needed to complete some OTHER assessment that was 2 hours long, that was also 2 weeks away. REALLY? All I need is MEDS. If I am out of pain or it is lessened then maybe my coping skills can kick in. Meditation, breathing, reading, etc. I show a little more "rawness". It is suggested that I have "ANGER ISSUES". Really? What kind of crap is this! So..for my first visit...them ONE me Zero.
So...