Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Made me Laugh
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' '
You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy,
but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What
the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o
me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
PS FROM ME: DO NOT GOOGLE "BLOW UP DOLL PICTURES".....Wow.....
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' '
You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy,
but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What
the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o
me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?'
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce
through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,
and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
PS FROM ME: DO NOT GOOGLE "BLOW UP DOLL PICTURES".....Wow.....
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
My Sister on TV HISTORY channel tonight!
Tuesday, December 16 at 10PM ET/9C
This train running from Chicago to Seattle is the busiest passenger train in America. The route passes through America's longest tunnel where Matt finds out how the railroad keeps passengers from choking to death and how to keep the tracks from flooding. In the Cascade Mountains he learns what it takes to the keep the rails clear of snow drifts over a dozen feet high! This episode covers how James J. Hill built the Great Northern Railroad; and the Wellington avalanche disaster. It features some of America's most beautiful scenery in Montana's Glacier National Park.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
If I were writing a motivational newsletter
When you do something, you should burn yourself up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself. Suzuki, Shunryu
What's the difference of never knowing at all?
When every step I take is always too small.
Maybe it's just something I can't admit but lately,
I feel like I don't give a shit.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Situation never what you want it to be.
What's the point of never making mistakes?
Self-indulgence is such a hard habit to break.
It's all just a waste of time in the end.
I don't care so why should I even pretend.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Situation never what you want it.
Nothing's new, everything's the same.
It keeps on dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame.
I'm falling further behind, there's nothing to explain.
No matter what you say nothing's gonna change my mind.
Can't depend on doubt until the end.
It seems like leaving friends has become this years trend
and though I can't pretend, a Friend would be this way
It's not the same but who's to blame,
For all those stupid things I never said.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration
Situation never what you want it to be.
Never what you want it to be.
Never what you want it to be.
What's the difference of never knowing at all?
When every step I take is always too small.
Maybe it's just something I can't admit but lately,
I feel like I don't give a shit.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Situation never what you want it to be.
What's the point of never making mistakes?
Self-indulgence is such a hard habit to break.
It's all just a waste of time in the end.
I don't care so why should I even pretend.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Situation never what you want it.
Nothing's new, everything's the same.
It keeps on dragging me down, it's getting kind of lame.
I'm falling further behind, there's nothing to explain.
No matter what you say nothing's gonna change my mind.
Can't depend on doubt until the end.
It seems like leaving friends has become this years trend
and though I can't pretend, a Friend would be this way
It's not the same but who's to blame,
For all those stupid things I never said.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration never hard to break it.
Motivation such an aggravation,
Accusations don't know how to take them.
Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.
Concentration
Situation never what you want it to be.
Never what you want it to be.
Never what you want it to be.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?
Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas |
 For you, it's all about sharing times with family. Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times. |
Saturday, December 06, 2008
PAY PAL PLUG IN
I LOVE the New Pay Pal plug in. It creates a ONE TIME use credit card for on line transactions! It is GREAT!! I LOVE it..Oh I guess I said that!
The plug-in installs in seconds. Download it for free and:
* Use Secure Cards to shop anywhere online
* Save and print your receipts
* Enter addresses with 1 click during checkout
* Avoid fraudulent websites
* Check your balance right from your browser
The plug-in installs in seconds. Download it for free and:
* Use Secure Cards to shop anywhere online
* Save and print your receipts
* Enter addresses with 1 click during checkout
* Avoid fraudulent websites
* Check your balance right from your browser
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