Another spiritual abuse

"In order for spiritual abuse to gain a foothold, there has to be a method of developing fear within individuals. There can be no spiritual abuse without fear."
Once, with a Pastor of a "Bible believing, KJV only 1611, Pre-Mellinial"...well you get the picture, I challenged what he "TOLD" me. He then wrote a "rebuttal" full of scripture ordering me to read it...which I did, it really was the beginning of the end for me. I thanked him for it..he says, "WELL???"...I said, It was (somewhat Juvenile in writing) well written. That Just wasn't enough. I continued to say I didn't agree with him. He was beyond affronted. The question was..I said someone had told me (and I was encouraged) that "they were praying EVERY day, that if God were real, "HE" would "reveal himself". This Pulpit slammer was aghast
because "the ONLY FIRST prayer God hears is, "God be merciful to me a sinner", or the prayer of salvation Aka, the sinner's prayer. I said, that I believed that God HEARS all prayers, and was indeed "revealing himself" to my friend. It's been years, and this argument remains raw when I think about it. ONE problem with "these" types of Pastors, is that there is NO room for "GRACE". I'll stop for now. Thanks for the post.

December 27, 2012 5:43 PM

I posted this on http://paradigmshift-jmac.blogspot.com/2012/09/spiritual-abuse-are-you-victim-part-ii.html?showComment=1356659050271#c4728701042194972124   

There are several good spiritual abuse posts on this site. worth exploring. 

An Adoption Story I was part of ..

An Adoption Story I was part of ..http://amomentcherished.blogspot.com/2012/11/adoption-guest-post.html

Prepping again

My perfectionist thinking will have me stop blogging if I don't keep up with it. Today I was at the  Airport watching the jet take off and Joy Linn called , having missed the bus. SO...I stopped at Merchandise outlet BUT WAIT>>>>!!!! That was AFTER my Coupon clippin, car selling, Nurseing school wizard friend APRIL got me tuned into the BUY OF THE DAY at Meijer's!! On sale//4 pack ANGEL SOFT toilet paper, printable 25 cent coupon which doubles to 50 cents, it was on sale for 75 cents sooo BOOHYAH! 4 pack for 25 cents! SO..as we don't have a lot ot toilet paper stocked up, it really doesn't count toward my "stock". BUT...did get a 12 pack of shelf stable milk for 2. 99, and two collapsible water jugs for a buck each, some rope, an ACE bandage, and a small bag of Choc chips.

Then, I made a great salad for dinner. cleaned spinich, mandarin oranges, toasted almonds in a Iron pan with the seseme seeds, and a lil cheese. YUM, no complaints from anyone, except maybe more mandarin oranges please. !

Preppin2

Today's storage items for the pantry were a bottle of vitamins, a 30 ounce bag of chocolate chips, salsa, Raspberry chocolate squares,  and 3 bags of coffee and 2 cans of chicken in a can. Spouse suggests getting some Coke, like if we are trapped, how good cola would be after being trapped 30 days or so. I also discussed saving milk jugs, rinsing them out and storing water with a few drops of bleach in them. It might not be good enough to drink, but would be good enough to bathe or whatever.

THAT'S a SIN?

Was thinking recently how wonderful it is to have true FREE CHOICE. My world is so much bigger...there was a time when EVERYTHING was a sin...found these song lyrics...

PET SHOP BOYS LYRICS

"It's A Sin"

(Twenty seconds and counting...
T minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay)
??
When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn't believe it
Father, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin

(Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione,
verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa)
[trans. "I confess to almighty god,
and to you my brothers,
that I have sinned exceedingly
in thought, word, act and omission,
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault"]

Prepping

My Mom always had a good pantry. Sometimes it was overflowing with our coats and boots along with the macaroni and home canned tomatoes.
We have been so "close" financially for years, moved several times, lost all we had, moved back to my childhood home, that "stocking up" hasn't been possible. I'm making it a priority now. I started doing this about a week ago, before the Hurricaine hit New York. We didn't even have WATER saved aside. Not one empty bottle. So...following my mentor of years' past ..the elusive "Flylady.net", I am taking "baby steps" . I call it a Prep a day, but as in most things, once you just Get Started, and lay aside the perfectionist thinking, it has been more than "1 a day".
I got 3 cans of small chicken. Its in a tuna can, but thank god it is CHICKEN. If the end days come, I don't want to have to eat tuna. I don't like Tuna Breath. Cat's have tuna breath, and they lick themselves too.
Maybe it helps that I am volunteering at a food bank. I'm inspired. I made the spouse and middle me daughter help me gut out room in the basement. When we moved in, I had high hopes for that room, but now it is a clutter fuck. However..there is a nice shelving unit, and I am also gutting out the closet underneath the basement stairs for a Pantry.
My original pantry is a closet in the kitchen. It has a door that hasn't shut in probably 30 years. My Pantry is NOT a pretty pantry with lovely glass canisters. It's a working pantry with Soups, veggies, and spaghetti stacked every which way.  I just made PRIME real estate on my counter today by moving the Food Processor OFF the counter and into the pantry. This to me is real progress.
My freezer is full. My taxes are overdue. I'm starting to plan for the future again. I don't hold out much hope yet.
I have two cases of water, not much, but better than I had 2 weeks ago, a 12 pack of shelf stable milk, a bag of dried milk, a jar of peanut butter, a bottle of Olive Oil, some band aids, deck of cards in case we are stuck in basement for a while, some gum, hard candy and Rice-A-Roni. I want to get a camp stove, old style lights in case of eventual power failure (NOT The L E D lights that take batteries), and some candles. I can't believe I don't have any candles.
Things I want to stock up on: Personal products for the girls, water, some cola, matches, candles, hand warmers, etc.
I'm in the process of making "Bug Out" bags for everyone containing essentials, socks, water, blankets etc. for the vehicles. My friend Char is great at this. "The Prudent See Danger and Prepare for it".

What about GRACE ? Grace Happens..

Robb Ryerse recently asked on his Grenzian ( thegrenzian.blogspot.com) blog..."What has Grace done for you?" 

I just started writing and thought I would share it here as I really need to start blogging again. 
 

The certainty of "black and white" beliefs within the fundamentalist arena is at times quite comforting--IF you are on the INSIDE of the arena. Step out of that circle and suddenly the cold dark winds blow, and you are left alone. I have experienced this many times in my spiritual history.
I don't mean to be a rebel as far as "BELIEF" goes...but the unfairness of it within the fundamentalist movement just makes me raw in my soul.
One of the times I felt abandoned was when I left a very fundamental Baptist Bible College, Dr Jim Vineyard's church in Oklahoma City-Windsor Hills Baptist Church and Oklahoma Baptist college. The church preached (and if you didn't follow the rules your life work of being Led by God to do anything was seriously compromised), so when it was 90 degrees outside, women wore "Hose" (nylons to anyone outside the arena)...no open toed shoes and NEVER pants (which outlined a woman's thighs so that men would be so uncontrollably filled with lust they would "ACT" on it and it would be the woman's fault for wearing pants.) I remember over 3,000 in church, and Dr. Vineyard stopping to call a woman a whore who wore pants. (I am not kidding). Maybe some reader here will understand the HUGEness of even naming names here. But..I digress...
For various and sinful reasons, I left the school, rather than be "disciplined" and censured by the school.

The students (one that "I" led to the Lord) was ordered to have NO communication with me. We had been best friends, and worked at Dairy Queen as Managers together. She was also from Michigan, single and her parents thought she went insane. I guess because of my involvement with her, she did.

What did Grace do? Grace taught me that I didn't have to be a part of a school that lessened my worth, that condoned marital physical beatings, that interfered with the primacy of the family, that threatened one's calling if you disagreed.
Grace more than anything, gave me HOPE. Hope that God was somehow above all this ridiculousness, and Hope that God had more freedom in mind for me. Hope that my personality was made by God, and could be used by God to serve in unique ways.
Yep...Grace gave me Hope.

Your thoughts?

Jones honored for community service

I volunteer at the Local Airport, and am on the Advisory Board for the Airport. This guy is an amazing kid. I took the picture and wrote the little write up. This is about the fourth or fifth article in a few months that I have written or had written for the paper. This follows an article about looking for big foot, a skydiver celebrating his 95th  birthday, and LENI the airport dog that was picked up by the Associated Press.


Jones honored for community service: The%20Mt.%20Pleasant%20Department%20of%20Public%20Works%20Manager%20Roger%20Rousse%20and%20Mt.%20Pleasant%20Municipal%20Airport%20Manager%20John%20Benzinger%20award%20Connor%20Jones%20for%20his...

Leni is canine ambassador at mid-Michigan airport : Travel

Leni is canine ambassador at mid-Michigan airport : Travel  OH MY STARS!! I Volunteer at Local Airport, facebook is Mount Pleasant Michigan Airport, the story I gave to reporter is picked up by Associated Press, is on in Detroit Free press, USATODAY, India!!

My first note to Beaverton Grace Bible survivors blog

Your story is POWERFUL. My Story is POWERFUL. I've begun again to tell my story. I was a member of a small Baptist church and still years later am affected by the "Pastor's" treatment. What some may not understand is that when "Asked to leave" ...its done under cloak and dagger, and is meant to be swept under the rug. My "Pastor" became ENRAGED when I called a couple members to say goodbye. He said I was "Poisoning" the well, etc. (I am looking for the emails he sent to me) .

Months later, I called a member I had tea with regularly, and thought perhaps I could stop by. They in turn, called the Pastor who left a scathing reply on my answering machine, "THE TIME FOR TEA IS OVER".

Keep on. Your words encourage and strengthen others.

I am a Contradiction

I am a contradiction. I was "Baptist Born and Baptist dead and when I die be Baptist Dead", but, through the years, something in me changed, and something in the churches I was in, Changed me. Let me say that today I am writing because of two other blog posts I want to link to here. http://homeschoolblogger.com/pattycake/ which I found after reading about the Beaverton Grace Bible Church Survivors lawsuit . http://bgbcsurvivors.blogspot.com/ I have a story to tell, I am sure its going to take more than one telling, and my recollection of things might not be EXACTLY as it was, but it is MY truth. In reading Beaverton Survivors Blog, one question came up that I can answer. A reader (or their church plant person posing as a reader) wanted to know..."Why did it take over a year for you to start speaking up about the abuse". She (Julie Ann) was the piano player and involved in the church and were requested to leave. I too was "Asked to leave". One thing about these Pastors is they may not understand how much we, the sheep, take them to speak for God. I don't believe they "SPEAK FOR GOD" as in the direction of the Bible, but...we "Feel" we are supposed to be in the church we are in, feel that God has directed us there, and therefore, the Pastor has some biblical "authority" over us. The Reason it may take a while to "Come Out" and speak, is more than one--FEAR, Fear that God will be disappointed in us, fear that we might be "speaking evil of one of God's servant's" , fear of being further ostracized, and many others. It took me Months and months to just be able to BREATHE, let alone try to worship anywhere else. I must give GRATEFUL thanks to Pastor Robb Ryerse, (http://www.thegrenzian.blogspot.com/) and his Book to be released in the fall (http://www.facebook.com/ButterflyTheology). the FIRST Thing he did, as I entered his study was to reach behind him on his bookshelf and hand me the book "SPIRITUAL

ABUSE" As with other types of abuse, I felt alone, like it was MY fault, and somehow I had brought this upon myself and my children. Now, Years later, it is difficult to forgive myself for putting my children under the authority of these "Pastors". I fear now even mentioning his name or the specific church. I must say tho, that the "Pastor" I am talking about DID have the "gift of spiritual growth" ...Hee hee my sarcasm may be difficult to read here, But, He "GREW" the church from a Thriving 70+ member organization with Laughter, love and great potlucks, down to about 10, mostly family members. His own daughter was so afraid to tell him that she had gotten engage the first year she was at bible college she hid it for months and months. Ok..I think my dam has been broken..I have to try and stop the flow so I can go on with my day. One more thought..just as

Just as a Squirrel wearing a Dress is STILL a squirrel...just because a MAN (you know "women can't be preachers..Oh my )...a Man that calls himself a "pastor" may be only herding his own flock for his own reasons. That didn't come out like I wanted it too, I may have to refine that thought.

Have been thinking so much about how my son has changed through the years. We have Maple Syrup festival this weekend...He was 7 when he got his picture on the front page of the Morning Sun newspaper. He's 18 now, supposed to Graduate from High School in a couple weeks. I'm a happy Momma. Adding a picture of my Friend Shelly and I at the festival. I'm the one on the left.

This is LARRY THE CABLE GUY from a couple months ago when he was here in town.

Well...it's been a while ...again. I am alive!! I am still getting used to my mom being dead, she died last June 29th. We didn't have her funeral for a month. I got pretty toasted at the funeral. She would have loved that. The party was great, lots of people dressed up and lots of photos of her looking good.

Geocaching..Closing in on my 1,000th

This is my friend "GREYWOLF"...getting HER 1,000th Find. This was in Midland.





This is Mark, my usual Geocaching partner, and the one who introduced me to it.






and THIS...Is George...My campanion on all sorts of trips.

They say it's your birthday..and they'd be right

We as a family..whatever that means, walk the MACKINAW BRIDGE every year. This year...and new pile of kids, Ty one of our regulars backed out at last second, which only meant more room in the 7 passenger van for the 9 of us...LOL.






Yesterday was my birthday. No big deal. It was "meh". I made my own "no Bake Cookie" cake. Had barbeque with the neighbors....and about 120 people 15 of Which I sort of know wished me well on facebook. I laughed. It was Kind of cool.

My son sent me a death metal video...

.Many years ago today something grew
inside of your mother...
That thing was you

YOU

YOU YOU YOU YOU

Did she scream did she cry
Only those that are born are the ones that
Get to die

One more year closer to dying
Rotting organs ripping grinding
Biological discordance
Birthday equals self abhorrence

Years keep passing aging always
Mutate into vapid slugs
Doctor gives a new prescription
Bullet in a fucking gun

One more year closer to dying
Plastic surgeons fuel the lying
You forget why you came in here
Your mind rots with every New Year

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

Now you're old and full of hatred
Take a pill to masturbatred
Children point to you and scream
Because they will become that thing

One more year of further suffering
There's no point of fucking bluffing
Open up your DETHDAY present
It's a box of fucking nothing

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

DIE DIE
DETHDAY
BIRTHDAY
DETHDAY
DIE DIE
DETHDAY
BIRTHDAY
DETHDAY

RSVP PLEASE
For the DETH of thee
You have little time
And you're running out of life

Happy Birthday
You're gonna die

On another Note: School opens the Day After Labor Day here in Michigan...Here is my new :"Foster/son/ Exchange Student?/whatever" ....and daughter...



and my Darling CHUBBY 6th grader who is thinning out. ...She was a Preemie..and for years was in 2t clothing, Porked out, and now is thinning out and getting taller!

Thursday's Thinkin

I'm getting a "real boy"....thinking of Pinocchio. After years and years of telling others to become foster/adoptive parents..this time I am doing it officially. I've always DONE it...for months at a time...but this time~ Whew. I'm trying not to freak out. My Pinocchio is 17...yep what the hell is he a "foster" for then you ask. Well well...He's been isolated and left to go in a field of his own, as far as schooling is. He's been employed, hasn't been arrested, isn't an arsonist..so why will he be my "real boy" you may ask?
As I told HUNDREDS of Foster families seeking to adopt, sometimes, a child is in "foster care" through NO fault of his own. In this case, who knows if it is the fault of his parents either.
"THEY" capitals because most of the Bio parents are thought of as "THE OPPOSITION"...are great people. Law abiding, "CHRISTIAN", and parents of other successful children.
My "Pinocchio"...has visited for weeks at a time, and says.."HERE" he can breathe. I find it amazing that someone would CHOSE to come to my messy squished in house, but..there you have it. Same as this dang Dog that seems to have been staying here a whle now.



Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday, you will be a real boy.

" Little puppet made of pine, awake. The gift of life is thine."


Pinocchio: Father, whatcha crying for?
Geppetto: Because... you're dead, Pinocchio.
Pinocchio: No! No, I'm not.
Geppetto: Yes. Yes, you are. Now, lie down...
Pinocchio: But father, I'm alive. See?
[Looks at himself]
Pinocchio: And... and I'm... I'm real. I'm a real boy!
Geppetto: You're alive! And... and you are a real boy!

Seriously

Ok..I thought I WAS back..then I wasn't. Now it's almost September. My Mom died June 29th 2011. I'd been taking care of her for over 3 years.
Trying to get grounded....whatever the hell that means. Oh..that's right. Once again..I forgot to quit swearing.

This weekend..I get a foster kid. Well not totally "foster"..but another addition to my household..He's 17.

Reflections 20 years

Twenty Years ago, I was single again, and having fun..working my butt off full time for the State of Michigan, no kids, driving a cool 2 seater Honda CRX. The First "Night of Louisiana" at Central Michigan University was on the Horizen. I got to meet Katie Webster
Katie said, "These two fists of mine have taken me all over the world". I reflect on how my two fists...took me all over the States, and back to my hometown now, in time for the twentieth anniversary of "Night of Louisiana".

The day sort of got started about 4 in the afternoon when My friend Shelly

came over to my duplex tfor a massage. I just put up my massage table into the small bedroom there. The duplex..that I am in the middle of rehabbing from white trash renters. I mean RE HABB ING. top to bottom...beyond "mere painting". Ripping out the carpet, padding, having to paint the floor to try and contain the smell...the windows streaked with nicotine needing at least two more washings.

Shelly and I ...drank wine, then went to dance away in Louisiana. I drank too much, danced too much and made a fool out of myself..and had a blast. I Laughed like I don't remember laughing. My foot has been reconstructed and I could barely walk the day after. Yes...I guess that is a gauge of how much fun I had the night before.

I know I'm disjointed writing. I have to get used to it again. I have lost myself. Again. I am searching. Again. Pissed off. Again.


This kid: is Tiller,. His name is Tyler Rousch, one of the guys that hangs around our house. He was recently arrested along with many of the boys that hang around my house. Ben, Tiller, James (that I never have trusted), Chris Allen who isn't even liked by his own mother, Veronica, and Barry.


I have a senses of loss with all these kids because while yes..they broke the law...to me..it is Farm boy...stuff...dragging a piano behind a farm truck for God's sake.....on and on. These "offenses" do not deserve jail or prison for these kids. I don't get it sometimes. My Parole working days for now are over (although I've been reapplying) ..but sometimes it IS just about revenue generation, not protecting the public.
It saddens me.

I'm not dead

I'm not dead..>Yet I live.
Every year I think "this has been the worst year of my life"...Well this last year has been the same. Not to bring my life back to the Blogosphere on a downer note..but this past year......
My spouse was committed to a hospital for a while for severe depression.

We moved from one town to my hometown.

I continue to care for my elderly beginning Altzheimer's mother who lives with us. My mom was hospitalized about 12 times.

My spouse had both hips replaced (one at a time with the weeks of rehab and hospitilazations that required). He was in intensive care for 2 or 3 days and was mostly dead. I was too exhausted to care much.

We lost a house to foreclosure.

I oversaw the remodeling of the house we moved in to from a distance. There was a bathroom completely tore off...remodeled to be Handicapped accessible, and LOTS of trouble with the City inspectors.

I had emergency Appendectomy 2 weeks after losing health insurance.

I've interviewed for several State postions with no job in site. I keep trying. (and..I still have hope)

I'm going to start writing again..for me. Real. Stuff. The dirty and down. I'm out of time.

Ray Stevens

I've Loved Ray Stevens since the Squirrel got loose in Church.